Ways to Not Date Me

By Emma Barrie  

Don’t tell me you feel like we “really get each other.” Don’t tell me you’re only in the city for one night and you don’t have anywhere to stay and then offer me ecstasy and then fall asleep in the cab. Don’t take me to Burger King and talk about your ex-girlfriend while you eat a Whopper. Or if you do, at least offer to pay for my fries and hold the giant bulletproof door for me on the way out.

Don’t invite me over to drink a PBR and watch Conan. (Wait, actually, that sounds great. Just don’t be a total dud of a human being if you’re going to do that.) Don’t pay in change. Don't pull up outside and honk. Don't tell me a sad or sappy story because I don't know you well enough to care and I'm going to be so uncomfortable I'll probably say something like, "Bummer, dude." Don't be a twin; I’m going to assume that means you’ll trick me at some point. Definitely don’t be a triplet. Don't order a Rolling Rock. Don't say aloud, "I don't understand why you don't want to sleep with me" while we’re in our college dining hall eating Cheerios at 11am. Don’t tell me you’re a KJ, meaning karaoke jockey. When I say I have to go meet a friend, don’t offer to come along because I’m probably lying. Don’t try to make out with me during Mr. Deeds staring Adam Sandler and Wynona Rider. Don’t try to make out with me if we’re standing in an alley in Williamsburg and you’ve just chain-smoked two packs of cigarettes. Don’t try to make out with me if you’re wearing any type of cologne because I will assume you are fourteen and that this is illegal. Don't use the word "wept," especially if you are using it to describe what your body did after you saw F. W. Murnau's Sunrise. Don’t talk about how I’m small or make me compare hand-sizes with you. (You’re obviously going to win and remark, again, on how small I am. Or, if you don’t win, that’s creepy. Why are your hands that small?) Don't show me a music video for your band if it is terrible and, in my opinion, going to be embarrassing for you. Don't describe yourself as "sarcastic." Don’t leave me in your bed in the morning if your room is fairly empty except for a copy of Catcher in the Rye because I will assume you are going to come back and kill me.