Na, na, na, na...Catman!

I met Catman on OKCupid. He seemed like a pretty nice guy, he has a great job, doesn’t have any kids, is actually single, and he’s even taller than me (that one’s difficult to find). After sending several messages back and forth I gave him my number and we continued our conversation offline. We discussed our jobs, hobbies, and different places we’d been and lived; the conversation was pleasant and went smoothly. On day two he asked me to dinner, and I accepted.

Friday night rolled around and we met at Bonefish Grill. As we were waiting for a table the conversation seemed a little strained, but we had only met each other moments before so I let it slide. When it was our turn for a table, Catman was very polite; he held the door open for me and even held out and pushed the chair in for me as I sat down! I was a little shocked by the latter, no one has ever done that for me, and I thought it was weird....sweet, but weird. We spent a few minutes browsing the silence. After we ordered I could tell he was uncomfortable or nervous, because he was being so quiet. Via text, he was not like that, we actually had some pretty good conversation going, but it was not translating face to face. I attempted to break the silence by asking him questions, and it worked a little, but as soon as he was done answering he would just clam up again. That is not the way a conversation is supposed to go, especially when you’re trying to get to know someone. I mean, I could be wrong (but I don’t think I am), but it should go a little something like this: Lo asks a question. Catman answers and then asks Lo a question or Lo comments on his answer and is then asked a question by Catman. Lo answers and then Catman comments on her answer or Lo asks another question. In reality it went more like this: Lo asks a question, Catman answers and then silence takes over for 30 seconds, Lo asks another question, Catman answers and then silence takes over for 30 seconds, and repeat, repeat, repeat. What made all of this even worse was that every single time he spoke, he would close his eyes for a few seconds, inhale like he was in pain and then speak.

Despite Catman’s annoying close-eyes-and-inhale trait, I made it through dinner, and I learned some interesting things about him:

- He drives a gold El Camino. I hate El Caminos. If you want something with a bed, get a fucking truck!

- He has three cats. One cat is okay. Two is understandable; you don’t want your cat to get lonely when you’re not around, so you get it a companion. But three?! Three cats is where I draw the line, that’s getting into crazy cat person territory.

- He’s had over 20 jobs.....and was proud of that fact. Seriously. That tells me that his life has no stability and that he is not capable of holding down a job. I wouldn’t say that’s something to brag about.

- He already had a full on beard and a teeny handlebar mustache, but he was going to grow out his mustache to a full on handlebar. No. Just, no. I could never take someone with a handlebar mustache seriously. One of our vendors at work has one, and the first time he came in, I had to hide in another office because I couldn’t stop giggling. Can you imagine having sex with someone with that stache? It would always have to be from behind, and no kissing could be involved...unless there was a paper bag worked into the equation. Handlebar mustaches are goofy and not sexy.

- He is in the middle of a divorce, which he blames on his El Camino. Really man? You’re blaming an inanimate object for your divorce? Okay.

Despite learning all of these things, I still agreed to continue our date. Catman is relatively new to the area, so I introduced him to my favorite bar. We drove separately, so on the way to the bar I called my BFF and told her how things were going. What I didn’t realize at first was that she was actually at the bar. I told her to play it cool, I didn’t want him to think I planned that.

When Catman and I arrived, I saw my BFF’s car and explained to him that I did not plan on her being there and that I didn’t want it to be awkward for him. He said it wouldn’t be, so we proceeded. Once inside, I introduced him to my BFF, her boyfriend, and one of our mutual friends. Immediately he kind of shut down, so to get the fun rolling, I got some quarters and Catman and I played some pool. As you probably guessed, it was a pretty silent game, and it was over quickly. He won, by the way. I suck at pool, so instead of another round, I suggested darts. It was another silent game, but I kicked his ass at some 301! After the game I excused myself to the ladies room and signaled to my BFF that it was time for a chat. I spilled to her and vented my frustration, and begged her and her boyfriend to come chat for a few minutes, or something to liven up the night. So one by one, our mutual friend, my BFF and her boyfriend all attempted conversation with Catman, and all failed. I thought a drink might loosen him up, but it hadn’t so I asked “Are you nervous, is this awkward for you? I want you to feel comfortable.” and he replied with “You make me nervous.” I make him nervous, huh? So I asked “What am I like a wild card or something? Do you think I’m going to do something crazy?” and he said no that he “didn’t want to screw this up.” Well buddy, you screwed up by being so quiet and not even attempting to have a good time.

His comment about not wanting to screw this up almost made me feel bad when I pretended to be tired, drove a few blocks from the bar, then circled back around and went back into the bar to finish my Friday night. Almost.

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