How to Actually Lose A Guy in 10 Days
I recently saw the movie How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days because I was feeling sorry for myself, and I am typically 5-10 years behind the trend. The movie was pretty good, but I was disappointed in the lack of commitment Kate Hudson’s character shows in actually losing this guy. Some of the things she does include: 1) Crashing his "poker night," 2) Buying him a plant that symbolizes their relationship, 3) Moving her stuff into his apartment, 4) Taking him to a Celine Dion concert.
Okay, I get it. Get too emotional and a man will flee. Guys need space to be with their bros, or something. But they also love showing off hot new girlfriends to their friends! A Celine Dion concert? That’s hilarious. Major irony points! The tactics she uses in her attempt to "lose" this guy are all things I have done might do when dating a new guy.
Here are some WAY more effective and efficient ways to lose a guy in ten days. Just choose one of these and no man will ever try to keep you tied down!
- Tell him you have AIDS.
- On your first date ask him: a) What’s your astrological sign? c) Are you a feminist? d) If you could start a flash mob to raise awareness for any world crisis, what would it be and why?
- Sleep with him on the first date. Cry afterwards about how you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend.
- Say you can’t use a condom because you don’t want anything to get in the way of fate.
- When he asks what you want to drink, say "Peach Stoli & diet 7 up."
- Explain that your biggest passion in life is playing the Recorder. Invite him over for a private concert in which you perform "Hot Cross Buns" repeatedly for two hours.
- Tell him that even though you’re "technically" related to Casey Anthony, you two haven’t spoken since you used her computer to Google chloroform.
- Twenty minutes later, mention that you get anonymous letters from someone who threatens to duct tape your mouth, put you in a garbage bag and strangle you to death in the woods.
- Cheat on him.
- Text him all the following things in the same day:
- "Contemplating suicide today, it was nice to meet you"
- "I LOVE YOU! Jk haha. But do you love me? Just wondering hah."
- "I told my therapist about you xoxox"
- "My mom wants to meet you… told her about your penis lol"
- Pull a "Sev7en" (murder one of his loved ones and send him his/her head in a box).
- Explain to him that you’re half Pagan/half Wiccan and that you can’t be with him unless he practices your favorite Pagan ritual with you everyday. Using an interpretive dance, explain to him in detail what this ritual entails.
Good luck trying out these ideas and staying single ladies!
Editor's note: This is the piece that made us say, THIS GIRL IS PERFECT FOR BAD DATE GREAT STORY.
Alison Griffin Vingiano is a New York native who studies improv at UCB. She has also studied comedy writing at 3rd Ward, and performs stand up throughout NYC. She tweets @agvnotes and blogs at www.agvnotes.tumblr.com