Happy Thanksgiving--Especially You, Uncle Jesse


  When I was 15 I really liked this boy. I won't provide his real name, but it sounds like John Stamos. So for the sake of this posting, we will call him that (also, he is now a doctor and John Stamos totally played one on ER). So John Stamos and I went to Junior High School together, which I essentially blocked out because I was the type of girl who developed early but still managed to be a total outcast who didn't make out with anybody. My lack of game can essentially be summed up by Valentine's Day 1996, when I asked John Stamos to be my Valentine, he said YES, and then I responded by saying "kidding!" and running away.

Anyway, by high school I started to figure things out. And although Stamos and I went to different schools, we stayed in touch, and one Thanksgiving, he called to ask if he could come over. My family had just finished eating, and we were about to start our annual post-turkey Pictionary game. We had a big group that year--my parents, sister, her boyfriend, my aunt and her husband (a bookie who occasionally rose to check the scores of the game, or take a call requesting he break someone's legs) and my Great Aunt Bunny. Aunt Bunny was a character--for example, she got kicked out of the Merchant Marines for having a dirty mouth. When she was in her sixties. She also used to perform pornographic puppet shows for the French Foreign Legion. Needless to say, everything to my Aunt Bunny was totally dirty.

By the time Stamos got to my house, we were in the middle of the game. I let him join my team, which also included my sister and Aunt Bunny. It was Stamos's turn to draw.

"Stick!" I yelled.

"Pencil!" my sister said.

"Penis!" Aunt Bunny screamed. "Dildo!" Stamos paused. Uh oh, I thought. Here it comes.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I threw my vibrator out the window?" she said. "Thought it was broken. Then one night I'm in bed and I hear buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzz buzzzzzzzzz. Thought the damn thing had come back to haunt me." Stamos's time was up, but we were all just listening to Aunt Bunny's story.

"Then I realized my neighbor's son had found it and was running in the hallway, swinging it around as if it was a light saber."

I looked at Stamos. He didn't seem amused, more perplexed. I guessed his family Thanksgiving wasn't like this. I realized not only did he probably not want to make out with me now, he definitely didn't want to be the groom in the hypothetical wedding I had been planning. All these people would be there--and Aunt Bunny would probably want to give a speech.