Dating a girl who is as sober as Cloris Leachman

After meeting this girl at a party, I invited her to a Christmas party that my work was putting on. The party was pleasant. There was good music, good food, and an open bar, it was fun. I drank a glass of wine or two, I was driving so I didn’t want to overdo it. My date however, kept the drinks coming. I figured she knew her limit better then me, but I was wrong.

When it was time for us to leave, she was barely able to walk, so I had to support her as we walked down the street. After walking past all my co-workers who were watching me dragging along my barely conscious date, I had to walk by the part of town that was not desirable to be in after the sun was down.  When we arrived to the car, I carefully placed her in the passenger seat and reclined the chair so that she could be comfortable, even if she was unconscious now.

After just five minutes of our one hour journey back to her apartment, she throws up, while still unconscious, in my car, and on herself. I could see the pasta she ate mixed with stomach acid dripping down my leather chair and onto my spotless carpet. Not knowing what to do, I turn her head to the side so she at least doesn’t choke.

As I drive along I continue to hear more throw up coming out in-between her snoring, which was a good sign because at least she was still alive. Getting out of the city included a long wait of stop and go traffic, because it was a Saturday night, or that’s what I thought was causing the traffic. In reality there was a random checkpoint for drunk drivers.

So there I was, approaching a checkpoint, with a blood alcohol level that probably bordered legality, and a person in my passenger seat that was occupying her time with redecorating my car by regurgitating pasta. While defecating in my pants with fear, I was called up next in line at the checkpoint, I was told to move along, thank God.

After an hour long car ride with the smell of vomit, we finally arrived to her apartment. She was completely passed out, so I had to carry her to bed, which included a flight of stairs. Before placing her in bed, I laid towels on top of it to keep the barf off. Sadly, not ten seconds after I laid her down, she vomits once again, rendering my efforts to keep her bed clean utterly useless.

Considering she could die in her sleep, I decided to sleep there and watch over her. Regardless of the fact she had already vomited out everything she ate for the past week, she continued to vomit throughout the night, all while unconscious. Needless to say, when we woke up in the morning I threw up the peace sign and left.

-Caesar G