Brad, the Incredible Bore


  Brad and I connected on OKCupid, and so finally we decided to meet up for brunch. It was a decent meet up, we were getting along in the form of stilted conversation, and then bam. 10 minutes in and he's talking about Jesus. I'm just bored stiff by now and his declaration that good church girls are what his parents would like for him to bring home is doing nothing for me. Thankfully, we're almost done with our meal and it's almost time for the drag show we have to go to. (I needed extra credit for a Gender & Women's Studies class I was taking over the summer, and this drag show at my favorite cocktail lounge fit the bill.)

We get our $2 mimosas and hang out, waiting for the show to start. This is when Brad starts telling me how his best friend is a lesbian and how comfortable he is at this drag show, no worries. I discreetly roll my eyes and proceed to down three more mimosas. I've already decided that as a reward for me putting up with this bland piece of tofu, I'm gonna get sex out of this deal. Because, c'mon.

An hour later, we head back to my place. Brad keeps putting his hand on the small of my back and I keep wandering away. We get to my apartment, turn Pirates of the Caribbean on, and start making out. He's an incredibly awful kisser - so much slobber and weird bottom lip kissing. When we're naked, he whips out a magnum and whispers to me that he's a grower and he's shaved just for me. The whole grower business doesn't translate to him being anything but awkward and off-aim the whole time we're having sex.

The best part? My roommate walks into my room as we're mid-thrust, because my phone had been ringing in the living room. Thankfully, he gave me the perfect excuse to tell Brad it was time to go.