Booty Call Preparations, Courtesy of Life Booker

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Yesterday, my best friend forwarded me an email she received from Life Booker. Subject line: Be booty-call ready. She wrote: WHAT THE F-CK.

I wanted to add: Since when does booty call have a hyphen? I'm an English teacher, and these things matter.

But I was curious. I recently engaged in a late night rendevous, and I wanted to know if I did it right.

According to Life Booker, the following procedures were recommended pre-booty call:

1. A noninvasive treatment that reduces cellulite AND inches ($99)

2. Colon Hydrotherapy ($35)

3. Single Process, Or Highlights ($55)

4. Airbrush Tan (Organic!) ($22)

5. Brazillian Wax ($28)

6. Microdermabrasion (Because apparently, "Size matters...when it comes to pores!") ($49)

7. Laser Hair Removal (Underarms) ($50)

Total cost of being the best booty call you can be? $239 dollars. Because when a man says he wants to see you naked, he clearly means hairless and with a face as smooth as a porclain doll. Also, make sure there is no poop in your body--because this will save you the embarrassment of using his bathroom. Because everyone knows, women don't do that. And don't forget to get your hair done! Because when you're in missionary position (as Life booker probably imagines sex should be) you don't want a strand to move an inch.

What did I do in preparation? Everything all wrong, clearly.

1. Shaved my legs with a disposal razor ($3)

2. Showered with Dove soap ($2)

3. Schlepped to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn (priceless)

So, I spent $5, and nobody was complaining.

Score: Me: 1; Life Booker: 0