Bad Roommate Great Story


Recently, I had to take a break from dating to pursue a different kind of search--looking for a new roommate. I thought--well--since looking on-line has been such a RAGING success in terms of finding a romantic partner <insert sarcasm here>, why not go the same route to find a living partner? BIG mistake. Though I did meet some lovely people, I also experienced the following. Daters, take notes. You can still learn from this.

First. She showed up an hour late, but didn't call to tell me she was running an hour late. She texted as she was getting on the subway. Two boroughs away. So when I texted back to say, "It's ok, we'll reschedule at a later date," she didn't receive it till she was on my doorstep.

Second. I opened the door and saw she was wearing red spandex pants and a leopard print cropped cardigan <not ironically>. When she entered my apartment she raised her arms up and said, "I'm SANDY!" I immediately couldn't stop thinking of the Molly Shannon character  on SNL screaming "I'm 50!" <see image>. Then I imagined living with this woman.

Third. She kept on calling me "girlfriend." For example, when I told her we had to keep this meeting short because I had a date <half-lie>, she said, "You go, girlfriend!"

Fourth. When I asked her if her current roommate was also moving out, she said, "she wants to move to Hell's Kitchen. I don't know why she would want to do that. Good luck with all the trannies and the prostitutes!" I didn't know if that was the appropriate moment to tell her Ed Koch was not the mayor of NYC; it was 2012, and neither of us could afford to live in Hell's Kitchen.

Fifth. Because, like on a bad date, I didn't know how to say, "this clearly isn't going to work" and instead stay for a fifth drink, I still showed her the spare bedroom. On the way, she looked at my mother's paintings--of Maine--and said,"They look very...I don't know...have you been to Africa?"

Sixth. I told her I was in a rush <full lie> and I would let her know about the apartment. Then she asked me if I knew where the public library was; she had some books she needed to return. I immediately became very depressed because I hadn't taken out a book from the public library in years. Her effect on my psyche was unnerving.

And, of course, much like in my dating life, though I spent an exhorbent amount of time telling my life story to complete strangers, my roommate match was discovered through a mutual friend. On-line fail, per usual.