Okay, I know what you're thinking, "When is she going to write about a positive experience?" and I have a perfectly good answer for that question: When I have one. Yes, I realize I sound like a total Negative Nancy, but this downer has good reason: My dating life sucks. Not all of my dates have been terrible, I've had some pretty good ones mixed in there, but the overall experiences have been bad. The one I'm about to share with you about is a real doozy, so prepare yourselves. You've been warned.
In the last month I've gone "out" (I use the term loosely here) on 2 dates, both with the same guy...let's call him Johnny (Heeeere's Johnny). I was introduced to Johnny one Saturday afternoon at my favorite sports bar by my best friend. I had just gotten my hair done and was feeling really good about myself (it's amazing what a good stylist can do for a girls confidence). Instantly Johnny was complimenting me, buying me AND my friend drinks (boys, take note, you gotta be good to the BFF too), charming in a quirky way and we hit it off.
My usual Saturday is spent with my best friend and her boyfriend. Sometimes he works and she and I have a bloody mary Saturday and spend the day cleaning, playing SingStar and proving to him that we are capable of grilling without his assistance. Girl power! When her boyfriend is not working he does the grilling, we make the drinks, and we provide him with quality entertainment via SingStar. I've grown very fond of our Saturday ritual. My bestie thought it would be nice if we extended an invitation to Johnny and his friends. Johnny's friends instantly accepted, but Johnny was very adamant in his declination. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter was playing at the theater next door and Johnny asked to take me to dinner and a movie instead. I was torn between wanting to enjoy my always entertaining Saturday ritual and getting to know this guy further.
After some nudging from my BFF, who wants me to be as happy in love as she is (and I love her for that), I agreed to go out with Johnny. If I had known the adventure I was in for, I would have just said no. Sadly, I’m not a psychic. Where the hell are all the psychics when you need them anyways??!
We get to the theater, pick seats in the back, and I get a little excited, because I’d been wanting to see this movie. Well, about 5 minutes into it my bladder decides it is full and I have to pee. I get back from the bathroom and Johnny decides the movie is too scary for him and he wants to go see the Madea movie playing in the theater next door. Um okay pussy. I obliged. I’m not much of a Tyler Perry fan, and I was thankful when the movie was over. Johnny loved it, of course. Things weren’t too bad at this point, I was a little cranky, but I chalked that up to hunger.
We went back to Johnny’s place, (I know I told you that’s a no-no, but I assure you nothing happened) he cooked some dinner and insisted we watch his favorite movie “The Foot Fist Way”. Words cannot explain how absolutely mind-numbingly STUPID this movie is. It is quite rare that I ever say that about a comedy, because I find almost anything funny, but this movie was so awful that halfway through I begged him to turn it off. While Johnny got up, he went to the bathroom. He pees with the door open. How nice. When I had to use the restroom he insisted that I go with the door open as well, my response was a quick “no”.
During dinner and the movie we had both had a few drinks, and I was in no shape to drive home (don’t drink and drive, seriously.), so I stayed the night. The next morning Johnny wakes, goes to the bathroom, leaves the door open and after a few minutes I hear “plop” as the smell of poo wafts into the bedroom. Yea, Johnny dropped a deuce with the door open. The bathroom is connected to the bedroom, by the way. He comes back into the bedroom and I pretend that I’m still asleep. What else was I supposed to do?!!
Later that day he texted me to tell me he had a good time and throughout the week he just kept sending weird, sexually charged messages. The final text that made me pull the bitch card was one that read “how horny are you?”. Seriously, who the fuck says that? After I pulled the bitch card he had the nerve to ask me out the next day, I told him “don’t let you beer get warm waiting for me.” and I thought that was the end of it.
Two weeks later my BFF, her boyfriend and I run into Johnny at the bar. He insisted on buying me a drink, which I did not turn down; I probably should have, but hey, I’m on a budget. He naturally asked about my hostile responses to his texts and I explained why I was so angry. You don’t say those kinds of things to people. If you want to date a girl, don’t fucking ask her how horny she is! She is going to get the impression that you just want to tap that shit. He tried to say it was just a joke; Sorry, I missed the humor in that one. Either way, he apologized profusely and insisted that wasn’t what he meant. He said he wanted to make it up to me and invited me over for dinner and a movie. Well, I’d already made plans for the Saturday ritual. I invited him to that. Again, he adamantly declined. My bestie really encouraged me to give him a second chance, so I did.
Before going to Johnny’s I went home, showered, changed, made myself look cute, ya know the things us girls like to do before we go out with a boy. Once I got to Johnny’s I wondered why I even bothered. Johnny couldn’t be bothered to put clothes over his boxers let alone get out of bed to answer the door when I arrived. He refused to come into his living room to watch a movie, he just wanted to lay down in bed and watch it. So, I sat at the edge of the bed. We had sushi delivered, and it was like pulling teeth to get his ass out of the bedroom to eat. He wouldn’t eat at the table, and he still wouldn’t put on clothes. Johnny has kind of a beer belly thing going on. He put his sushi in a bowl, sat down on the couch and sat his bowl on top of his beer belly and ate. Charming. Absolutely charming. As soon as beer belly sushi eating was finished, Johnny all but ran back to the bedroom, making a pit stop to the bathroom first, door open of course.
Johnny asked what I wanted to watch on TV. I flipped to BBC America, because one of my favorite shows, The Nerdist was on and they were discussing my all time favorite show, Doctor Who. Johnny couldn’t stand it. He hated the fact that I’m a nerd, and after I changed the channel he sighed with relief and had the audacity to ask me if I’m smart and then tell me that I look like a stoner. That was my breaking point and I left shortly after that. I was just so fed up. This was a man who when I wasn’t at the bar would ask my best friend about me and what he needed to do to date me, yet he was making no effort. He couldn’t be bothered to put on any clothes, didn’t ask me anything about myself and insulted me! Ladies, this guy has been out with me twice and doesn’t know my last name, doesn’t know what I do or where I work, he doesn’t know any of my musical preferences, or what books I like, he doesn’t know anything about me, because he NEVER asked a single thing.
Dating experiences like this just ruin dating as a whole. I feel like dating shouldn’t be this hard, but it really is. People who haven’t been in the dating game for a while don’t realize it. I hate that I’ve gotten into the dating game so late and that I’m just learning all these lessons now. Better late than never I guess. I’m trying to keep my chin up and hoping that things get better. At least I know what to look out for; If a guy goes to the bathroom the with door open, I’m out!