5 Terrible Pick Up Lines, Courtesy of a Yoga Retreat

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Presented in chronological order. Same man. Same meal. Same desire to vomit all over his quinoa and kale salad. 1. The Introduction

"What's your name?" "Jessie" "Oh, I like that. It's very Western." "Oh, yeah, I get it. Like Jesse James" (Because THAT I've never heard before. I mean, really.) " I bet you like to ride" Ew.

2. The Background

"How long are you here for?" 'The weekend." "Oh, that's a shame. I'm here for like three weeks." "Wow. That's quite a luxury." "Well, let me explain. I'm like a trust fund baby." "Aren't you, like, 40?" "42."

3. The Sly Request for a Late Night Encounter

"Where are you staying while you're here? What floor are you on?" "I have no idea."

4. Flattery will Usually get You Somewhere, but Here it Gets You Nowhere

"Do you know who you look like?" "My dad?" "No, a celebrity." "Topanga, from Boy Meets World?" "No, no, I got it. The chick from The Notebook." "Rachel McAdams????" "Yeah" "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

Seriously folks, let's be real here. Here is me:

 

 

 

 

And here is Rachel McAdams:

Flattered--Yes. But bullshit is bullshit.

5. Do We Have The Same Future Goals

"Do you have kids?" I asked him. "No, my ex-wife is a total bitch." "Do you want kids?" "Yes." "Do you?" "No." (Because obviously I was going to say the exact opposite of whatever he said) "Oh, well then I don't want them either."