I tried the online dating thing. Here's the best response I got.
His name: Johnny Tuna.
Hello there. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Johnny Tuna. I recently starred in my first major motion picture called "SOCRATES' ASS." It's on You Tube. I should win an Oscar for that performance. I would love to meet you. Get to know each other better. We could go to dinner and come back to my place for a night cap. Wouldn't that be fun? I can give you all the wine you want. Then when you are feeling frisky we can get into our birthday suits and you can star in my next film: "THE FAT MAN FROLICS." Just imagine yourself in my king size bed rolling around in my ham hocks with the sweat of a fat man rolling off my body and on to yours. As the night moves into wee hours I can show you the sex positions that made me famous. You can massage my feet and suck my toes. I am known for doing the hump and the dump. Will you honor yourself and have hot steaming sex with me? I am in the Bronx.
Well, he had me till "the Bronx."