Top 5 Terrible Date Ideas

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Note: Some of these led to really awesome evenings/relationships/stories 1. "Let's go see 'The Interpreter'"

This was a 2005 film starring Sean Penn and Nicole Kidman that involved the appropriation of an ambiguous African culture. Critics say: "Like certain prescriptions, The Interpreter can cause drowsiness and should not be viewed while operating heavy machinery." Or while on a date. We walked out mid-way, and then broke into a parked middle school bus and made out in the back seat. Survey says? Back-up plan=awesome.

2. "After the reading, we'll go to Taco Bell."

I explained I don't eat fast food, but that didn't deter him. Then I reminded him I didn't eat meat, and that didn't deter him either. Then I suggested we go back to his place to order food, because maybe he'd give up the chihuahua house for some under the tee shirt action. That idea seemed to work until we got to his apartment, and he showed me the giant hole he punched in his bedroom door, because not too long ago his "ex-girlfriend had locked herself inside." Tell me more? "Hence the restraining order." I quickly departed the scene.

3. "Want to hear a talk on truth and memoir?"

I failed to mention to my date the talk was with Naomi Wolff, who was both lauded and eviscerated for her book on THE HISTORY OF VAGINAS. You (I) might think hearing "vagina" 27 times might get a man in the mood. You (I) would DEFINITELY be wrong.

4. "Come with me to Chicago and meet my family."

Family was a racist sister, a brother-in-law, a small child, a large dog, three parakeets, and four turtles. My boyfriend and I slept on a pull-out couch in a room with all the animals. The parakeets were in heat. I thought I was loud when I was ready to get busy. Nope. Nothing beats the caw of a horny parakeet.

5. "I have an extra ticket to [     ]"

I've gotten this one a few times. An extra ticket? We're in a recession. No one just HAS an extra ticket.  That ticket was meant for somebody else. I'd bet money on it. That is, if I had any money to make bets with.