On-Line Dating is Funny...Until Somebody Cries

imgres-1.jpeg

I am back to the world of online dating. I swear that 90% of me wants to do it just because of the hilarious stories. I mean, where else will you have a grown man call you a “Little Turkey”? I would like to take this time to share some of the more hilarious stories from my online dating experience the past month.

Window Shopping This is a completely real, unedited email I received from a man in Brunswick, Maine. My first week he winked at me and I ignored it because I wasn’t interested. Then, three weeks later I receive this:

Hey You are such a little window shopper. I saw you checking me out. You are cute. I am going to adopt you…

Do you think by “adopt” he meant “kill you and wear you as a coat”? I clicked on his profile once again to see if perhaps I was mistaken and he was someone hilarious. Nope. His profile wasn’t remotely funny. So, if he was trying to go for funny he missed his mark. Drastically.

And even his reference was off. I get what he was trying to bring up – the little puppy in the window. But, if I was window-shopping wouldn’t he be the puppy who needed adopting? And what if I was ACTUALLY an orphan and he just brought up a really sad memory in my life.

So I decided, against better judgement (which is how I approach most of my dating), to reply. I informed him that I didn’t think we were likely a good match and that since women are on a higher alert in the online dating world, that probably isn’t the best pickup line. I said that I realized he was trying to be funny but he should maybe modify it a bit for the next girl he emails. He was not happy. I suppose I expected that, but I also felt bad thinking he was perhaps using that line with more than just me.

Shirtless I have a few deal-breakers when it comes to online dating. First off, I will not date someone who is shirtless in their main photo. I get it, Muscles McGee, you are in shape. Hide that shirtless photo in a slew of shirted photos on your page. Do not have that be your headline. I could lead with my breasts but don’t. So don’t lead with your pecks.

Another deal-breaker is that I won’t date someone who has their “looking for” age range beginning at 18. If you could realistically date a senior in high school, I am just out of your ballpark.

The perfect storm emailed me – a shirtless man who despite being 32 would date someone 18. Also, hilarious as it is, his age range was 18-50. Really, guy? You could date anyone in that 32 year age range? What if someone is 51? Is that a deal-breaker?

So he emails me and informs me I am beautiful and seem like I am someone he would like to spend some time getting to know. He also tells me that he is new to this online dating thing and can be shy at first (I bet he would feel less shy if he had a shirt on). But I’m not new to this online dating thing. And when I did it, a year ago, he was on this site. I am very certain of it. I would actually bet my life on it. So does “new” mean “a year of experience”?

Again, despite my better judgement, I replied. I shouldn’t have this time. I was not trying to be helpful, I was trying to point out that I caught him in a lie. And for a man who says in his profile that he is the world’s worst liar, I think he probably shouldn’t lead with a lie. But since I knew right away, I guess he was right that he sucks at it.

So I nicely declined his invitation to chat, thanked him for calling me beautiful, and mentioned that I thought I had seen him on match when I did it last year, so he must have a twin!

His reply?

No worries. I was going out on a limb on my end anyway. I usually only contact fit woman like myself, but decided to roll the dice with you in hopes that I could get you into a fitness class. Good luck with your search as well.

 

Umm wait. Did you just call me fat? I know I could benefit from losing a few, but let’s not act like I am moments away from being nominated for The Biggest Loser. And I think I know why you are still single and online dating a year later. Put a shirt on, try reducing your age range so that it looks a little less like you will date anything that is legal and pre-menopausal, and get off my profile.

In Conclusion My experience has been a hilarious ride, as always. I am meeting some nice guys, a lot of weirdos, and re-kindling a friendship with a guy I haven’t seen in years. If nothing else, it makes for a good story.

 

Like this story from Meredith? Read more from her at her blog.