Eight Tips of How Not To Date

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In all my years of dating I have made many, many mistakes. As a result I have decided to generate a list of ten things that I would like to pass on to those looking to embark on dating.
1.       Under no circumstances say to a woman that she looks rough first thing in the morning. This one has got me in a lot more trouble than any others on the list, I said this to my fiancee once and she has never let me forget about it (3 years later).
All I was doing was agreeing with what she was saying, she said that she felt really hung over after we had been out drinking all night. If a woman ever says that do not fall in to the trap, also don’t disagree as she will know you are creeping. Its best to be a possum, play dead and wait for it all to blow over.
2.       Never pretend to have died in order to break up with someone. This seems like a no brainer but at the time there was a girl that was all over me, she wouldn't leave me alone and everywhere I went she seemed to be there. It was not a good plan after a week she bumped in to me and I had to pretend to be a brother I hadn't told her about, needless to say this did not work.
3.       Never tell someone you can surf if you can’t even swim.
OK by now I am sure you have worked out that little of my dating stories are logical, but in my defence I honestly thought this would work and that I would never need to learn to surf. I assumed that she would just believe me and not ask to go surfing when we went on holiday together. Needless to say when you girlfriend has to drag your lifeless body out of about 3 inches of water its kind of difficult to find an excuse to the situation.
4.       Never jokingly or seriously ask a girl to marry you on a first date.
Again like many of these points this seems like something that everyone does anyway, however it is more about making sure you both have the same sense of humour first. If you don’t find someone with the same sense of humour you run the risk of the awkward silence that’s quickly followed by you backtracking and explaining it was all a joke.
5.       Never make a girl pay for everything on a first date whilst claiming you are helping the feminist cause.
I did this once mainly because I thought the date was dying very quickly, there was nothing either of us had in common apart from Feminism (irony). She kept texting and messaging me for weeks even though I explained I wasn't interested and that is was merely a failed attempt at making you leave me alone.
6.       Never say to a girl you've just bought a drink for, “does it taste like rohypnol?”
This was meant as a joke and perhaps highlights the point of marriage made earlier on, always make sure that when you are making a joke that it is going to be understood as one by both parties.
7.       Never stare at a girls eyes all night and finish the night saying, well at least I wasn't staring at your tits.
In fairness when I said that I had been drinking heavily and she had been talking about how her boyfriend had broken up with her. She kept mentioning that she hated having men treat her like meat and constantly looking at her breasts, I did my best that’s all I’m saying.
8.        Never tell a girl that she looks like your mum.
I said this to a girl once because in all fairness she did and once I had realized that there was no way this relationship could go any further.
So that’s it, these are the worst things (that I can put in a list) that I have done. Unfortunately there are so many more that I have committed over the year as well as things I have done that may need to be warnings. So please watch this space and be prepared for some more words of wisdom from one of the first undateables.
These tips came to you courtesy of the hilarious Tim Graham at Date It Yourself.
City DatingJessie Male