Confessions of a Recovering Manic Pixie Dream Girl 1.5: The Awkward Midwestern Undergraduate Years, The Gallery of Regrettable Hookups, Joe

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The most memorable of the Gallery has a backstory. Joe smoked outside the English building. He was a “too cool for workshop,” smart-alecky dick. He stopped going to class at some point, but I thought little of it since that’s “normal.” Imagine my surprise when I ran into Joe at commencement three years later. I found out that after I had left the literary magazine launch party my freshman year, he got wasted, proceeded to call one of the program directors a racist and eventually got kicked out of school for meth production.

After graduation, I was hanging out with some student film friends at a sketchy-ass dual pub/dance club. While in line, I ran into Joe and we chatted. Here’s a Midwestern nightlife tip: if an establishment tries to dual wield, like a sports bar that doubles as a karaoke club, it will fail at both. There was some lust-triangle bullshit going on between the birthday girl, her pseudo-boyfriend and one of my other friends (who I had a thing for). I became sick of the room and everyone in it.

Noticing my exit, Joe went for a smoke and offered to walk me home. At this point, I was drunk, more than a little pissed off, so I figured why the fuck not? We discussed Cormac McCarthy and proceeded to make out on my couch. After a stumble up the stairs, Joe’s fingering me like he’s trying to stuff a turkey. I’m sober and realizing that this isn’t going to happen arousal-wise, let alone orgasm-wise, so I told him to get the fuck out. He obliged, making him the most courteous meth-dealing near-one-night-stand ever. To be fair, I believe he was the only meth-dealing near-one-night-stand I’ve ever had, but he gets points for knowing when to GTFO.

Editors note: Apparently, stories about meth dealers are popular from the 20-something ladies, one BDGS editor included (see: story that started BDGS). Because nothing says sexy like a little bit of tweaking.

ps: Forget Lena Dunham's GIRLS, we name Breaking Bad the official show of BDGS .

City DatingJessie Male